Who am I?

It is a strange feeling having multiple identities.

I am not me, of course. The way I see myself is, most definitely, not what most people see. I will never really know what it is like to know myself from the outside; no can. The tiny universe I hold within my bubble of perception is only mine. The "me's" outside of me belong to the group that define them.

I have, at least, four "me's" outside my own private Me.

I was first "Christopher," the family me. This is the person defined, mostly by my parents and sister. This is the one know to my grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and people known through my family. I feel comfortable with me, especially around my most immediate family. It is the me I have been for the longest. The one most clearly defined. A few friends also know this me, but not many. People who know me through my parents or sister or, even, my extended family know me as "Christopher."

I was, next, the friend and student, "Chris." My mom, I have been told, tried to kill this me when he first raised his head in Kindergarten. My teacher called me "Chris" on the first day of school, but my mom said, "His name is Christopher." But the family Christopher my mom tried to import into this setting couldn't last long in that alien environment. A new me, the one Mr. Zensen helped into life with his naming, was necessary and important. I am comfortable as "Chris," too. He is my main face. When I introduce myself, it is with this name. It is funny that when my family calls me by this name, by body physically reacts. I think, "I am not Chris to you..."

Of course, we all go through this process of the expanding self. We are all many people. We are all different in different situations, but my job has opened a new and strange facet of my person: Mr Douthit.

My students all know my first name, but they don't call me that. I am not just another guy to them; they have conferred on me some kind of respect. I don't know how I feel about this. The fact that I am their "Mr. Douthit," who they depend on for knowledge and, in a certain respect, protection is disconcerting. I am their model for a responsible adult, how to act and what to do. Being called "Mr. Douthit" has forced me to realize how separate my persons are.

I am both raunchy, joking "Chris," but I am also, much to my surprise even though I knew it was coming, "Mr. Douthit," with all that means. I am an adult, a respected adult, AND, at the same time, the boy that I will never stop being.

Strange. I know that "Christopher," "Chris," and "Mr. Douthit" will all live and thrive as long as there are people who call me these names, and I also know that I will also be new names someday: Dad, Grandpa....